i have had dreams when i see myself being where i want to be, being with who i want to be with, doing things i want to do. reality puts me back to where i am supposed to be, being with people that although i dont like them, i still see them and have to have them in my life, do things that i dont know if they will lead me to anywhere anytime soon. i work like a workaholic. i may be one. i like it when i dont feel useless. when i know im doing something that may not be healthy for me but at least i know im doing something until i figure out what i will do next.

i remember what it was like in the summer. i felt useless. so useless i couldnt do anything else but got mad at myself, got mad at everyone else. i was a mess. im still a mess now. but a mess with money i guess haha. i always, always knew He would get me a job. i did. its just a matter of time. there was that certainty that i will get what i need at the time i need it the most. but there was also that uncertainty that when would i ever be able to get it? when will He choose to give it to me? i can say that im financially secure now. whats next? im on the verge of crashing any moment. one big push and im done. i can feel it too. i need You in my life. tell me what to do. even if i know what to do, give me strength to do it. to finish stuff i was never able to. be with us all because we all need you. we always do.

believe it or not i kissed her on the cheek four times already. yup. i count :). im over it. shes like a big mama now. a big mama with 3 adorable kids and maybe a slutty side that i wanna know of more.

i need a hug.